I was walking through the house, minding my own business really, with my mind on work since I am working from home today. I needed to go (if you know what I mean) so I set my laptop down and headed to the master bedroom. I should have noticed something was wrong; I mean the house was slightly tilting to one side. I should have noticed the silence; the kind of silence you hear when something BIG is about to happen. I should have noticed these things but as I stated, my mind was on other things.
I was about to walk through the bedroom door when I saw him. He was big, brown and ugly and he was staring right at me. And by big, I mean he was HUGE folks, which explains the house tilt I mentioned above. Everything started happening in slow motion at that point. The leg that was raised in the air to make the next step immediately changed directions forcing my hip and back into positions I didn't know it could achieve. The body started heading in the opposite direction, not necessarily with all body parts changing direction at the same time or changing to the same direction! The scream that started from somewhere or someone because it doesn't sound like anything that would come out of me, got louder and louder giving my lungs a good workout on how long they can go on without a fresh breath of air. Luckily other bodily functions stayed where they were but I can tell you, it was touchy there for a minute.
While all this is going on, the big, brown, ugly, staring right at me creature was coming for me. As fast as he could go he was heading straight for my one foot that was still planted firmly on the floor. Did I mention that I was barefoot? Bad move on my part, wearing no shoes. I will definitely have to do better on that one. But I digress. Just as he was getting to my foot, I found I had learned how to fly since both feet were in the air and somehow I was levitated about six inches off the floor. Uh-oh. The levitation part was the very short period of time when something (or someone) has gone up as far as it can go and is now starting to descend downward, back to its original starting point. Uh-oh again.
This creature was obviously also a quick learner because much to my horror, he had learned how to fly as well. Instead of running across my foot after I landed right in front of him, (shudder), he flew higher and flew smack dab into my leg. At this point, let me give thanks for the fact that I had on jeans. If I had changed into shorts and went to the gym this morning, things would have turned out differently. So let me get in one huge point for NOT going to the gym this morning. However, I digress again.
The force of him hitting my leg did absolutely nothing to him but it did help me learn to fly even higher, scream even louder and my heart to reach a rate that before now has been totally unknown to man. As he bounced off my leg, he immediately flew/ran/crawled/whatever, under the dresser. I immediately went to the other side of the house and stayed there until my heart rate had slowed enough for me to think coherently. When I ventured back toward the bedroom door, he was nowhere to be found. I can't say I've looked for him very thoroughly. I mean how thorough can you be from the other side of the house? My main clue that he is now gone is that the house is no longer tilting.
But he'll be back, which is my main reason for this post. I need some help/advise/a good swift kick in the pants/or better yet, an exterminator! Oh wait, I have one of those. These creatures that I call (well I can't say here or I'll be censored), some call cockroaches or water bugs, have been showing up in my house lately; mocking me because they can sense my fear like a horse can sense the fear of its rider. The before mentioned exterminator says it's the weather causing them to come in, or maybe the dryness, or the rain. What rain? Which one is it and whichever one it is, do something about it!
Regardless of what it is, I cannot live with these things! I am a reasonably strong woman; I can take care of myself in most situations or in all situations if I really had to. I can go toe-to-toe with the best of them on whatever subject you want to bring up, but these roaches have got my number. It started when I was a little girl…well, I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say it involved playing dress up, mama's high heels, small foot squished into the toe of the high heel along with a visitor who was making his home in the shoe until I put my foot in there. He wasn't happy with me either so he put up quite a fuss. 50+ years later, they're still putting up a fuss. They know. They know that I'm that little girl who caused one of their own to come to an untimely end to its life. They know and they've told the umpteen million others in their species. They have a plan to torment me slowly until I… Well, I don't know until I what but I do know that history tells me they'll be here long after I'm gone, so I have to learn to live with them. Not sure how that's going to happen, but I'll take it one day at a time, one incident at a time, one flying lesson at a time.
Oh, and let me point out for those of you reading this who also keep a count of my weekly cardio workouts, this counts as one!
No comments:
Post a Comment